Thursday, November 8, 2012
Okay, wait. before my thoughts come in rushing that I won't make sense anymore... let me take you back to history, where it all started.
This happened 4 years ago, someone was trying to get my attention on a mobile chat room that locals go to for fun (clean and some dirty FUN)... I was there bashing everyone basically because I don't know them and they don't know me... So I could tell them things that has no basis and they could do the same thing to me, I know I am a bully. LOL. Going back, he was bashing me so bad that it made me so mad, he was telling me that I was ugly and all that I don't deserve to live because I have an ugly face and an ugly heart. I then dared him that we trade facebook profiles just to know who will be wrong.
After we trade facebook profiles, he commented that I looked good and he was wrong... (Victory was mine!) I still continued to be rude to him, I am not really rude, I just like being rude to him because he always makes me feel good when I am rude.
We exchanged numbers, and texted each other for 4 years now. I had this feeling that he likes me and I thinks he knows that I like him too.
Until this November, he formally asked me for a date.
Before he asked me for a date, he was telling me things like "Why can't someone love me?" and I give him clues that I do love him it's just that he don't see it.
Saturday night he called me up saying that he will be coming to my city to see me and spend time with me... At first it started as a joke (Maybe because I took it as a joke) and then he persisted and so I said "yes".
We went to church, went to see a movie and went to dinner went to a bar and sent him to his hotel. The next morning, I went to the hotel to have breakfast with him and then sent him home.
You know why it's awkward? We barely talked... And now, I am so frustrated. I like him, I don't know if he likes me still after spending a whole day with me... He still makes me laugh, he likes making me laugh... We just never talked about serious stuff...
One factor that makes it awkward is, I don't think he had FUN spending time with me. :(
Friday, October 5, 2012
One weekend while we were talking he then sent me a test messages about leaving, parting and how he is so happy to have given the chance to know someone like me or the receiver of the message. I then asked him if something was wrong and then he started to break the news.
"I'm leaving..." and then I started to laugh at him taking it as it was just a joke. Then there was a silence, without second thought I asked him " seriously?" and he said ''Yes" . From that moment, I don't know what was the right thing to feel; should I feel bad about him leaving the country or should I be happy for his dreams are finally coming true? But more importantly, I asked myself, "Why am I feeling this way towards the news?". I thought the complicated relationship that we have is the reason for me to be complicated of the feeling that I should be or should not be feeling when he broke that news. Up to now, I still don't know.
I took a long deep breath, and started saying things like, I will be missing you, I am happy that your dreams are finally coming true and I wish you all the luck the world has to offer. Really I was happy - or was I just convincing myself?
For the past 4 years now, we were floating, we were friends and in some ways we were more than that. I'd like to think that we were happy, I'd like to think that we showed love to each other in a subtle way.
I remember him giving me a wish for my birthday in front of my friends, he wished that I have a happy life and find someone that deserves my love and attention. He was looking me straight in the eyes and I just can't help but smile and think of his wish. I wanted to tell everyone that all I wished was, him to be there and share that special day with me and luckily that wish was granted. I was just happy.
Going back, after a week of breaking the news and a week of convincing myself that I was going to be okay. He asked me out for dinner just the two of us. But I declined, I even made a bargain, I asked him if I could come with a friend and I got an awkward "yes" from him. So that dinner came, I was sitting in between (James, Me and our friend). My friend came in late, so I really have to do a conversation with him, he was really silent and so was I - I felt tension. I don't know. Then finally my friend came and the air started to feel better. We ordered and my friend initiated the conversation, I was just there listening, nodding, smiling I just wanted to see him and preserve that image for myself at least I have something to remember him.
While we were having dinner, he then moved his knee closer to mine, so, how do you call that? Knee-to-knee? Whatever! Then he keeps on moving my knee using his knee so hard that it made me so uncomfortable. I can still remember, when he talks to me, I can't keep eye contact. (Talk about that Awkward moment).
Good thing that dinner turned out to be normal, I think it wouldn't be normal and there would be tears gushing from my eyes if my friend wasn't there to change every topic that was in my head.
After the dinner, he asked if he could drive me home it almost took me a minute or two to respond, I mean, that's not me. When you ask me something, I give you an answer then and there but that moment, I was in such big trouble. My friend uses a motorcycle and I hate that, so I have no other choice but to go with James. We got in the car, and he started singing "If we had an exchange of hearts, then you'll know how I fell apart..." I don't know why he started to sing that song, but I felt it.
As soon as we were in my house, I just said something like "thank you! Take care!", maybe because at the back of my mind, I wanted to think that he'll still be around, that I will see him whenever I want to see him but no.
That was the last encounter, he's leaving on the 10th of this month (Oct. 10, 2012). And I still did not say anything about how I felt, of how I feel about the idea of him leaving. *Sighs*
If you allow me, could I just write what I want to say in here?
" James, first of all. I still remember the day that we first met the very day that I fell in love, the very day that I have laughed so hard on a first date, the very day that someone really treated me so well I started to feel like a royalty. Thank you! I actually don't know where to start, I'm sorry... Yes, I am sorry for waiting this long to be completely honest with you, sorry for loving you so much I can't afford to lose you, sorry, sorry, sorry. I know this is not goodbye, and I know maybe, if the world would be in my favor, I'd still get the chance to see you. I love you, I love you and It only get's stronger. I am happy, because this is your dream and I admit, I think I am not a part of it but I still thank you, for the time, for introducing LOVE and making it sit the couch, making it crack silly jokes, for the sweet nothings... I love you."
I am sorry, I can't find a better way to end it but with the feeling that I feel for him.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
My next posts are about the people that makes me really think, ponder, torture (mind fuck) my mind and shall I say also my heart.
I am now writing about James, let me introduce you to him. Wait, I honestly know less about him, I don't even know his last name. All I know is I really like him and we have shared so many things to each other. Okay, I'll introduce him.
He is a very good looking guy, he works for an international company (Honda), we have met each other 4 years ago, we started to talk through the phone, and then spend time talking to each other until dawn, he is a sweet person very jolly, he likes a good laugh and he has a good singing voice. He understands, supports and cares for me. He even sometimes wakes me up with a phone call so I won't come in to school late.
There were so many things that happened in that year, he even asked me for a date, and that was the first date that I ever had without even spending a penny. Even if that was the first time I have seen him, it felt like we connected and there was no awkward moment that normally happens on a first date.
I loved it.
Then things started to eat me up, I was assuming that James and I were together without even determining the relationship. I know, my bad.
He then started to ignore me as I become really clingy or possessive, even irrational. I hated myself for being such, I know being young and in love is not an excuse.
Then after a year or so, he sent me text message and I was really shocked because I wasn't expecting a message from him, after how many months. We then started to catch up on each other. And the feeling just went gushing like a river. I remembered everything that I felt since we met, after the date, after the phone calls.
This time is better and I enjoyed it even more, I think I am mature enough to take whatever pain it may cause me.
I then started to introduce him to two of my greatest friends, and in an instant they all clicked and they liked him, they even told me that he is one of a kind because they got along with each other on the first meeting. Yeah, that's true JAMES is really a good person, good company and a good friend - but is that all we're ever gonna be?
......To be continued
Friday, June 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I have always been consistent with this one: " I LOVE MONSTERS" , I really don't know, but I have this thing for monsters, and I sometimes, call my CRUSH a MONSTER... ughhh...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I have made up my mind…
I’m sure I did…
Things were kind of OK today, I came in from work and ate my meals and stuff… the normal things I do after work… Then suddenly in the middle of my sleep, my cell phone rang and I was too darn sleepy to stand up and pick up my phone on the other end of my room (it was in the dresser near the door), so I just ignored it, then after a few minutes, it rang again… I was not expecting him to call me in this time of the day, because I figured he would be at work… that HE is my boyfriend.
So with no second thoughts, I answered the phone and to my most jolly voice I said “Hi I wasn’t expecting you to call” and then he sounded like he was drunk, he sounded like his sober voice, deep and so sad, then I was really puzzled of what might be the reason for him to sound like that and WHY IS HE DRUNK?!
So I asked him “Are you OK? Anything wrong?” … then things started to darken and stuff like, the heavens are dropping on my face, I was never expecting this…I really wasn’t.
Have you ever felt of being so alone? Things like, things weren’t happening the way they have to be to the point that you ask yourself on what have you done to be treated as such.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME.
I was speechless, I wanted to cry, but I carried on and I told myself, I have to be strong for myself. I was too shocked that I hang-up and started to walk slowly back to my bed, having the same reaction on my face.
I lay down my bed and tears started to fall from my eyes, I was doing my best to hold them back, but the emotion was too strong it managed to take control on me, I then convinced myself that everything was just a dream, and I will soon wake up from this bad dream of mine; but the convincing was no use, I was feeling it real, I was sad, I was awake and I am ALONE.
I was totally weak on that moment, I wish I could just go away from the world so that no one would ever see me this way, because it pains a lot. I then thought of things that would make me feel better, I said things to myself like, stars would shine for me some other day, and soon things will be fine but I have to accept that things will never be the same again, the same feeling, the same gush of happiness that I feel.
I posted yesterday about the things that I’m recently feeling, I was right, things were not going the way they are, the right way. And right now I’m having troubles accepting it. I thought it’ll be OK and I can carry on with it…But AGIN I was WRONG.
I was WRONG.
Hi, It’s me…I’m single…
Who was wrong about it all? It was ME……not YOU.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, July 5, 2009
As I found myself walking in this very long road, I really didn't have any idea as to where to go or why I'm here, suddenly things started to feel starnge, silence was breaking in and I wasn't enjoying it, I then continued walking untill I saw this mob of people, all wearing black; from a distance I can hear people talking about someone, on how that someone affected or even influenced their lives, how they wished that it didn't happen to that someone; and as I draw nearer the mob, I hear sobs, robust cries and it made me decide to go nearer. As I go nearer canards about a person who's name was the same as mine were being told; things like how that person used to make then laugh, how good as friend that person was and how much he meant to them and lastly how much they'll going to miss him.
Then I saw my mom crying , next to her was my sister while my older brother was trying to mitigate my mom's crying, the scene I just saw flabergasted me as i rushed to the coffin in the middle ofthe funeral boquets.
Fear grips my heart, terror claws at my stomach, I was so petrified that I was unable to move, I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I cried out to the gods "What did I do to deserve this awful fate?", It is the 7th day of July and it is my........Wake.
It took me minutes to move and think again, but I accepted my fate, for I know eventuallty I was destined to lay in a coffin paecefully. As I moved back and observed the poeple at my wake, I was surprised that people actually appreciated everything I am and ignored everything I'm not, that in a way they saw perfection from my imperfections, then it made tears fall from my eyes, tears of exultation I must say, for I was overwhelmed.
Then I remembered a wise man once said, the world rejoiced when you came into this world, but what's more appealing is you made it cry when you left, because that's the time you'll know that you made great impact on them.
So there I was slowly moving back outside the mob, I know dwwp inside me that I did good, that in someway I produced change....I went back to the long where I first saw myself walking. Now I know where I'm heading, no I know why I'm here.............I was searching for the light.
Friday, May 15, 2009
I love to cuddle and cuddle specially on a rainy day, I also just love doing things alone but I certainly appreciate company (I really do), I also love to cook, cooking is my way of expressing myself, my inner thoughts and it serves as an outlet for my anger and happiness, I also find singing as an obsession ( I do my vocalization on the bathroom) some say I have the voice but I think they're just trying to be nice; Writing is what I really love, I just find it amazing and pleasurable to play with words and getting all my thoughts written and be read by people, being able to shake other people's lives just by writing what you think and feel is such an achievement for me, but I think I have this bad habit of talking too much, but dont'cha fret I talk with perfect sense and I don't get boring (now I'm totally describing myself! Lol)
I've been talking in this chat room and heard someone talk back, we talk all afternoon we talked about all sorts of things, we even talked like we were having sex on the chat room, like everyone could hear it, totally! But we were laughing at each other (we started to view each other's cam), he was so fun, he was crazy, and full of humor; I never thought he would even bother talking to me about his love-life. When he started to talk about it, I told him I have to go and scan other rooms, but after I went out of the room, he gave me a PM and called my computer, he then started to make me busy of the things he wants me to do, he started to read my FUTURE by his cards, (he said he's been doing that for 4 months now) I think knowing my future would be nice, so I stayed and talked with him on the microphone with his camera on.
After a series of reading my future he then asked me to pick another card, bust this time I just have to pick one from the 76 card deck; I chose my card he then interpreted it and on the last part of the interpretation he said " you should marry a guy named Zach (his name) for you to have a happy life because he promises to make you happy and never hurt you"...my eyes started to widen and my jaw dropped, I wasn't expecting this...specially from him. I told him "you're sick!" but then he said "no, seriously, will you marry me?"...I can't think of any answer but the same words came outta my mouth again "you're sick" he was really forcing me to answer his question but I never did, it's not that he's not good enough, he is indeed hot and cute, humorous if I must say and he was never boring.
As I was about to go 10 minutes before dinner, he even begged for my digits and promised to call me, it was a long negotiation but his cuteness prevailed and I did gave him my digits.
It's funny 'cause all the while I thought I can answer every question asked on my face, but that question he just asked....I still can't answer it; (laughing out loud) I really can't!
How about you? Will you marry me?....(*wink*)
There was this girl who had a nice voice and started talking to me, we talked while guys tried to butt-in, but we ignored them and carried on with our conversation. I was getting ten (10) or more PM's all asking for my "ASL"(Age, Sex, Location) but still I was never interested, thus, I ignored them...Until there was this guy who asked me random questions, I answered him with cold answers like; "ah...ok", "maybe" things like those things that would make a guy feel "I'm sorry, not interested", but this guy kept on bugging me, which I think is a little cute because he just won't give up...he called my computer, I answered it...We talked about the things I was talking about on the chat room, we changed opinions and information, we talked for more than an 3 hours (talking about everything)...
On the second day I went online the same time I talked to him yesterday, I have to admit I'm a little excited to talk to this guy again. This guy was so special the moment we stared to talk to each other, I suddenly felt this connection between the two of us, he was also true, a very humble and loving person, a real sweetheart that would melt your heart with every word he says, a man of intellect a man so fine that even I can't handle him...
But there's one problem, SELFISHNESS took over my true self and I pretended to be someone else... from the very beginning I told him about me not interested to be his partner. He even said he wanted to go back here in the Philippines just to meet me and it made my heart leap with joy, do you know the smile and joy you do whenever you see a rainbow??? I just can' help but smile and look at the rainbow again...but then again he thought I was SHE not a HE...
There were nights I find it hard to sleep because part of me wants to keep him, but the other part of me wants to tell him the truth and let him go...
I'm really sorry; I never wanted to hurt you, like I always say hurting you was never my intention. It's just that I always wanted someone like you...I'm sorry I was selfish, I'm sorry for everything...
For the first and last time lemme just say "I love you"...
I just hope you'll still find it in your heart to forgive me.
I'll never forget all the memories, all the things that we talked about, and all the things that you showed me, I felt this strange love from you that makes tears fall from my eyes whenever I remember it. And I'll never get tired of saying THANK YOU... for even in a short span of time you showed me love.
I guess this is it; it's the end of our Rainbow...
Thank you for the colors and for making me smile...
You are greatly appreciated...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Are the sounds that woke me up this morning, I opened my eyes slowly and found myself staring at the ceiling, doing nothing , I started to feel the sun’s warmth running through my face and prevailing scent of the dried saliva on my pillow (hey look! Everyone does that!).
Fear grips my heart, terror claws on my stomach, I looked at my reflection on the mirror...I cried out to the gods; “why do I deserve this awful fate?” ‘tis the thirteenth day of March (Friday the thirteenth) and I have......a pimple.
I knew this day wouldn’t start as good as I thought it would be, and I knew this so called unfortunate situation I’m in will make it even worse. “Happiness is a state of mind” I told myself, if you think of being happy everything else follows. After a whilst of forgetting my misfortune my wild imagination started to bug me; scenes about Lord William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, talk about Juliet delivering her line;
“Romeo, oh Romeo, where forth out thy, oh Romeo”
With a zit on her face, that must’ve look really bothering and disgusting, so I lay flat on the floor thinking of temporarily leaving the world I’m in at the moment. Then, I felt something from the inside, it makes a certain rhythm a certain sound that seems to be very distinct to man, no , it wasn’t the clock’s sound, it was “lub-dub, lub-dub”...and slowly and slowly it became faster and faster, I quickly then stood up and felt my heart, “that was strange” I stated to myself.
I lay flat on the floor again, this time palm on my left chest and looked at the clock. I continued to feel my heart beat and looking at the clock...
I felt this emptiness, like, time is running up... this is a feeling I fear of enduring.
Then I realized...”what if, time is really running out for me? What should I do?” many questions started to enter my mind, questions that remained to be unanswered, questions that I’m sure of asking it again to myself but finding nothing for a solution.
The clock continued to make his sound, but I can’t hear nor feel my heart beat anymore, Is something wrong with me? Am I already dead? Is my time over?
I woke up on my bed...Good Morning!
Good thing It was just a dream....
Friday, May 1, 2009
In the past few months, xoxo and hearts all over are the only things I know, I also love drawing hearts on that particular someone's name and mine, not a day passes by without me day-dreaming about me and that someone going out driving; call me silly but it's true those were the things that I used to do when someone used to tell me "I love you".
I always say that I'm a stargazer, still waiting for my shooting star to land on my palm and finally grant me my wish, grant me the wish that I've been longing for for someone who'll accept what I am and ignores what I'm not, someone who'll see perfection behind my imperfections, someone who will make me feel loved, special and make me feel my worth.
Then there was this someone, who brought me into the light, showed me what it feels like to be in love, to be loved and to love back. things that I think I never felt before, and it felt really good. It was like a dream turned into reality.
someone: you stole my heart...
me: don't worry I'll take care of it...
someone: did I stole your heart too?
me: I gave it to you...
Until one day, I found out that you were having a relationship with someone else, at first I denied it to myself, but slowly and slowly all my dreams turned into nightmare, all that I am; my soul, my love, my heart is now...BROKEN.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I had my own fair share of Once upon a time...
I had my own soundtrack...
I had my slow motion stairway entrance...
I had my own fairytale love story...
Well, my friend Webster defines the word “had” as a state of the past, yes, ladies and gentle men that was BEFORE...today as I woke up and took a look of my reflection in the mirror, I saw someone who once had the most beautiful morning in his lifetime, too bad it has to come to an end, and take note it wasn’t a happy ending.
This post has something to do with my last one. Have you ever felt that feeling where you wake up and talk to yourself in the mirror and say “good morning!”? That certain feeling where you end up smiling and thinking about the person you’ve been drawing hearts all over? ...yeah! I know you know that.
Once in my life I think I found the right one, once in my life I think I made the right choice, once in my life I know that I’ve fallen in love, and once in my life I was wrong about it all.
I admit, the moment I faced my computer and decided to make a post for today, I didn’t know what to right about, how to make you guys feel that I’m not haunted by the past, how to make a happy mask out of the pieces of hurts that are on the floor... how to bring back my pieces and start building my old self again, shinny and new.
I’m not afraid to fall again, and get hurt, because like what I said it’s 1:5; it’s just that this time it causes so much hurt that I have to need the help of someone or something to make me stand up again. Today, it's another day for me to deal with the memories that keeps on inflowing my mind, another day for me to keep on trying to put back all the bust pieces that the past has made out of me.
There are certain things that I deny to myself and also there are certain things that make me blame myself for the hurt that I feel right now. I feel really sad and tired of this feeling that keeps on haunting me these past months. I’m not fully recovered from the hurt, I’m not fixed yet but I know I’m getting there.
...I’m under repair
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
With the things happening on my room all those paint smell, spare woods and all; I have to sleep in the guests' room so I can rest comfortably, as early as 9:47 pm I snuggled in the blue and white stripped comforter and turned on the air conditioner up to level 8 (not my regular thermostat), I was really tired that day.
The sun was up and my alarm started to make its annoying noise that makes me jump off the bed the moment I hear its first beep. The moment I stood up from bed, I felt this harsh pain on my lower back and it started to bother me the moment I started to do my daily stretch after doing my daily stretch; I fixed myself for my daily walk.
The sun was so fascinating and it made me smile the instant it started to buff on my face. I took my usual route for my walk (I only take the other route when I don’t wanna see something that’ll ruin my day)…when I was on the main road of the subdivision, (the road heading towards the gate) I heard someone calling out my name from a distant so I turned my head to where I think the sound was coming from and saw Paolo. “Good morning!” was the first thing I heard after giving him my smile, I then answered back and saw that he didn’t smiled back, “hmmm…something wrong?…” I asked myself; he then started to walk with me and said nothing; it was like something was wrong and he wanted to tell me but half of him just don’t wanted to, so I just closed my mouth and started to walk with him….
After 8 minutes or so….
“What are you going to do today?” I asked him in the nicest tone I can ever give him; he just gave me a shrug and said nothing, “Something wrong?” still no answer; “is something bothering you?” he just looked into my eyes and looked back to the way we were heading. This is new, I never saw him like this before, the supposed to be short walk was turned into a long one, and it made me wonder what was bothering him this morning. He was being rude.We went to the store we usually go after the walk, we ordered for our regulars but still nothing was going out of his mouth. It made me decide to head home earlier than the usual time, for him to know that I was getting pissed off by the things that he’s doing to me, “I’ll head home, just call me when you found your tongue” (it was in a stop-me-from-going tone), I walked out of the store and went straight towards the subdivision gate.
I never turned my head back; when I was about 3 blocks away from my place I heard him calling me again, I tried to ignore the voice I heard, I then started to walk faster, and faster…suddenly someone grabbed my arm, it was him.“I’m sorry” he said that while holding both my arms (sweetness!), I then gave him the “is –that-all-you-got stare” as I observe his sweat slowly falling from his temples. “I’m sorry I was being rude to you, I know you don’t deserve it” was his next line not allowing me to say anything. “I asked you, you just ignored me, how do you expect me to react from that? And by the way, take your hands off me” were the words that came out of my mouth not even thinking if he’s still gonna say something. I then turned away from him and walked straight towards my place.
After 5 minutes or more he sent me a text message containing:
I’m sorry for being such an Ass earlier, I didn’t mean it.It’s just thatI felt bad when I saw the small painting I gave you lying on your front door…Oh! Was that it? He got mad at me just because of that…I forgot to tell him that my room was being repainted and I have to take all the things I placed on the wall…I gave him my excuse, he accepted it.
Paolo was really sweet saying sorry and doing all those cheesy stuff this morning. I’m starting to love taking long walks with rude people.