CAUTION: Under Repair

I had my own fair share of Once upon a time...

I had my own soundtrack...

I had my slow motion stairway entrance...

I had my own fairytale love story...

Well, my friend Webster defines the word “had” as a state of the past, yes, ladies and gentle men that was BEFORE...today as I woke up and took a look of my reflection in the mirror, I saw someone who once had the most beautiful morning in his lifetime, too bad it has to come to an end, and take note it wasn’t a happy ending.

This post has something to do with my last one. Have you ever felt that feeling where you wake up and talk to yourself in the mirror and say “good morning!”? That certain feeling where you end up smiling and thinking about the person you’ve been drawing hearts all over? ...yeah! I know you know that.

Once in my life I think I found the right one, once in my life I think I made the right choice, once in my life I know that I’ve fallen in love, and once in my life I was wrong about it all.

I admit, the moment I faced my computer and decided to make a post for today, I didn’t know what to right about, how to make you guys feel that I’m not haunted by the past, how to make a happy mask out of the pieces of hurts that are on the floor... how to bring back my pieces and start building my old self again, shinny and new.

I’m not afraid to fall again, and get hurt, because like what I said it’s 1:5; it’s just that this time it causes so much hurt that I have to need the help of someone or something to make me stand up again. Today, it's another day for me to deal with the memories that keeps on inflowing my mind, another day for me to keep on trying to put back all the bust pieces that the past has made out of me.

There are certain things that I deny to myself and also there are certain things that make me blame myself for the hurt that I feel right now. I feel really sad and tired of this feeling that keeps on haunting me these past months. I’m not fully recovered from the hurt, I’m not fixed yet but I know I’m getting there.

...I’m under repair

I love taking long walks with rude people...

Things are just getting better these days, my room being repainted and some stuff in my room are being replaced with new ones...Anyway, lemme just apologize for not posting anything for the past few days, I was a little busy with things.
With the things happening on my room all those paint smell, spare woods and all; I have to sleep in the guests' room so I can rest comfortably, as early as 9:47 pm I snuggled in the blue and white stripped comforter and turned on the air conditioner up to level 8 (not my regular thermostat), I was really tired that day.

The sun was up and my alarm started to make its annoying noise that makes me jump off the bed the moment I hear its first beep. The moment I stood up from bed, I felt this harsh pain on my lower back and it started to bother me the moment I started to do my daily stretch after doing my daily stretch; I fixed myself for my daily walk.

The sun was so fascinating and it made me smile the instant it started to buff on my face. I took my usual route for my walk (I only take the other route when I don’t wanna see something that’ll ruin my day)…when I was on the main road of the subdivision, (the road heading towards the gate) I heard someone calling out my name from a distant so I turned my head to where I think the sound was coming from and saw Paolo. “Good morning!” was the first thing I heard after giving him my smile, I then answered back and saw that he didn’t smiled back, “hmmm…something wrong?…” I asked myself; he then started to walk with me and said nothing; it was like something was wrong and he wanted to tell me but half of him just don’t wanted to, so I just closed my mouth and started to walk with him….

After 8 minutes or so….

“What are you going to do today?” I asked him in the nicest tone I can ever give him; he just gave me a shrug and said nothing, “Something wrong?” still no answer; “is something bothering you?” he just looked into my eyes and looked back to the way we were heading. This is new, I never saw him like this before, the supposed to be short walk was turned into a long one, and it made me wonder what was bothering him this morning. He was being rude.

We went to the store we usually go after the walk, we ordered for our regulars but still nothing was going out of his mouth. It made me decide to head home earlier than the usual time, for him to know that I was getting pissed off by the things that he’s doing to me, “I’ll head home, just call me when you found your tongue” (it was in a stop-me-from-going tone), I walked out of the store and went straight towards the subdivision gate.

I never turned my head back; when I was about 3 blocks away from my place I heard him calling me again, I tried to ignore the voice I heard, I then started to walk faster, and faster…suddenly someone grabbed my arm, it was him.

“I’m sorry” he said that while holding both my arms (sweetness!), I then gave him the “is –that-all-you-got stare” as I observe his sweat slowly falling from his temples. “I’m sorry I was being rude to you, I know you don’t deserve it” was his next line not allowing me to say anything. “I asked you, you just ignored me, how do you expect me to react from that? And by the way, take your hands off me” were the words that came out of my mouth not even thinking if he’s still gonna say something. I then turned away from him and walked straight towards my place.

After 5 minutes or more he sent me a text message containing:

I’m sorry for being such an Ass earlier, I didn’t mean it.It’s just thatI felt bad when I saw the small painting I gave you lying on your front door…

Oh! Was that it? He got mad at me just because of that…I forgot to tell him that my room was being repainted and I have to take all the things I placed on the wall…I gave him my excuse, he accepted it.

Paolo was really sweet saying sorry and doing all those cheesy stuff this morning. I’m starting to love taking long walks with rude people.

a little too not over you...

This morning as I turned podi on, while I was about to fix my bed D.A’s (David Archuleta) song was on the play, it made me think about things that I’m not supposed to think at this moment, at this early or at least for today…I remembered someone who made things colorful in my life, who helped me on how to deal with things with a smile on my face, who taught me that everything has a reason, someone who made me look forward for tomorrow and be excited on what waits ahead…

Tell me why,
You're so hard to forget
Don’t remind me,
I’m not over it,
Tell me why,
I can’t seem to face the truth,
I’m just a little too not over you…

Those were the lines that struck me the most, for the past two months I tried to hide the feelings I feel, the emptiness since he’s gone, the longing for his companionship and missing him-everything about him everyday… I tried to convince myself that I’m going to be ok, that everything will eventually fall into its proper place, and that I’m already over him.

But just this morning I realized that my effort to convince myself that I’m over him isn’t enough, that everything that I tried to forget about him started to haunt me, that my mornings would start with checking my cell phone checking the time but ended up composing a message for him without even sending it…that I was a little too not over him.

I just sat on my bed staring at blank space, listening to the tune, listening to my heartbeat, thinking….thinking about him, weather if he’s ok, is he taking care of himself or how’s life treating him…many things entered my mind, many things made me miss him more, many things told me not to think of him. I then denied things to myself again (that’s my major problem), I tend to deny things to myself, I tried to deny that I’m missing him too much that I’m hurting myself, that I’m blaming myself for losing him, I deny that I totally forgot everything about him…but then again those were the truth, and I can’t deny them to myself anymore.

As the song ended, I started to move again, setting aside things I remembered about him and going about my day, because those memories are the ones that make me smile or even cry when I remember him. I may have denied things to myself , I may have denied a lot of things, but one thing that I won’t deny is that, I love him and I’ll never get tired of loving him…

(He’s the guy on my 1st article)

is it still summer when it starts to rain???

It’s another day and it seems like folks here at home seems to be very busy doing their own thang! Mom’s putting some food on the Tupperware, oops! She almost dropped the other one on her left.

Clark, Mom’s driver was getting some bags from the living room and clinging it in his shoulders one after the other; I saw my older brother outside loading his guitar on the trunk of his car, when I turned back to the kitchen to have breakfast, I saw the maids wearing those tank tops and sporting those shorts (those short-shorts, if you know what I mean), then I heard my sister saying “step aside!, are you awake?”, then I turned to sit and have breakfast, but I just stared at it, then mom told me to eat fast and fix myself; “why?” I asked mom, she then widened her eyes and said “we’re going to the beach” , then I came to my senses that we planned for this Summer outing weeks ago (sorry, I was drunk last night I just sneaked in so mom won’t scold me)…

Three spoonfuls of rice and two over-easy fried eggs for that morning (needed to move fast). In my room I just stared at myself in the mirror for a second or two and then loaded my hand bag with Hawaiian Tropics (sun block, very important), my digital camera, podi (my ipod), my cell phone chargers and some of my clothes; now I’m set! Oh! I almost forgot I’m still on my PJ’s; I then started wearing plain white T and jeans, definitely flops for my footwear, accessories just my trusted baler and a large wooden cross as an accent for the outfit ( magical!), I then went down to see mom, but she was gone, I went outside and just saw that her van was gone and the only vehicle left in the front yard was my brother’s SUV , it turned out that they went ahead; which means I’m going to have to take the ride with my brother- and he’s going to be the one driving! I never liked riding in his car especially when he’s the one driving; he always thinks that every trip is a race that he needs to get to the finish line first (me no likey!). I always liked the slow rides, nice music, and try to appreciate the view of the things out of the city; but my brother? He drives fast, listens to songs where I don’t even understand the lyrics and worse, I don’t know if they even play notes!

We made the one hour trip a forty-five (45) minute one, talk about 80-90 km/h, and a roller coaster ride. When we arrived at the resort I was thrilled and bored by the number of people; thrilled for I can spot a potential innocent flirty eye contact, bored for most of the people there were shorted than me (not my lucky day), I never thought having a 5’8’’ height would be a problem, anyway, after lunch I decided to take a plunge and a short swim. The sun was doing so great, and I can feel the summer air just by feeling the wind’s breeze, and I’m loving it… we started playing volley ball on the beach (my sister and me), when I accidentally bumped into a guy not wearing a T, so was I; we were touching skin to skin (psssss! HOT!) J, the guy never said anything so I said nothing to him too; we just continued our game then.
Weird things keeps on happening don’t they? As the sun was like on top of our heads , it started to rain (really hard)… I then asked mom “is it still summer when it starts to rain?”

SweeT sIxTEeN...

My day just started, and so far, I’m loving it…Early this morning at around 7:30 as I was doing my usual walking (just to lose some weight, I’m not really that “fat”), I saw this guy wearing a nice shirt with a cute collar, the black and blue stripes of his T complimented his nice Michael Schumacher black cap, he was like 40 meters away from me(yah, I know it’s really far) but I can’t take my eyes off him.

As that 40 meters gradually decreases, I was unaware that I was slowly tilting my head making tiny droplets of sweat flow from my forehead to my eyebrow traveling the bridge of my nose and finally dropping, I suddenly smiled noticing him looking at me, and when we were like 10 meters away from each other, I couldn’t look at him anymore just like that…(I can be really stupid at times, you know)… I turned my head down, then proceeded on my left, the street that leads to the subdivision gate, podi (my ipod) was busy playing “booty music” by T-pain, I was busy banging my head moderately trying to go with the beat of the music, while slowly moving my hand in a groovy manner while I was walking (try it once, you’ll like it!), but to my surprise I saw him at my back following me! I don’t know what happened to me but I suddenly stopped from walking, tried to gather myself for more than a second, but I can’t help but think about things that this cute creature might think, he might be laughing at me, he might be scared by my actuations, he might not even try to know my name, and worst, he might think I’m insane!...(blame it all to T-pain!)…I waited for him to walk pass me, so I will have all the chance to bang my head and move my groovy hands again, I turned off podi to hear his footsteps…the moment he was about to walk pass me, I slightly glanced at my left (where he’s supposed to pass), but to my dismay, he stopped right next to me…looking at me straight in the eye (well he was taller than me) and said words that I think were the sweetest; “are you okay?”. I just stared at him and shook my head and said “yah, just a little dizzy”, (I wasn’t- I was hypnotized by his hazel brown eyes)…well, I was expecting him to leave me after I said that, but he didn’t! He even asked if he could walk with me and asked me where I’m heading, I don’t know what to say; “yah, sure!” those were the words that came out of my mouth.

Paolo, that’s what he wants me to call him. So I called him “Pao”(silly me)…he lives few blocks away from us, which I think is not so far away…we talked while we walk and we walk while we talked,. Then we ended up in the convenience store just near the subdivision gate, there we talked more, and we ate donuts (I like!).He told me he was just walking around trying to look around the neighborhood; I told him I walk everyday so he’ll see me around usually.

At around 10am, we decided to go back, he even walked me home (sweet!)…”thanks for the walk” I told him while closing our house gate; “my pleasure and by the way, nice dancing!” was his respond, I never thought it would be like that easy for me to talk to a stranger, oh! Not just a stranger, a really cute one too! That was cool…

Today’s the 16th…let’s make it SWEET 16… :)

To be or not to be in love; that is the question...

Things in my life isn't really that great, let's admit it; life is unfair, everything seems to be temporary, everything seems to be too good to be true, everything seems to be nothing but an illusion. In life I've learned that things should be done with your 101% or even more than that, I also learned that hurt and happiness comes in our lives hand in hand, that they can even be represented in a ratio 1:5 ; happiness would be 1 and hurt could be 5 (sometimes it could be less sometimes not). I also came to a point where I won't let my chance to be happy pass me by just because I was afraid of getting hurt, i know it sounds a little cheesy but, yah, i was holding that in my mind, grabbing everything that'll make me happy because eventually I know I'll get hurt.


I did almost everything; go to the bars almost every night,drinking beer, doing body shots, smoking cigarettes, dancing, flirting with men and women, doing soul kisses(french kiss) in public weather if it's with a girl or with a guy (but luckily i never tried drugs), coming home drunk and smells like vomit is all over me,but then again after I wake up in the morning I end up having nothing but memories of the night before, so I went online to find things that'll make me happy, online shopping, chatting on yahoo,msn, gmail; I also tried expanding my network groups like friendster, facebook, myspace, multiply, tagged, hi-5; and to my most desperate sense I tried dating sites, I looked up at chemistry, okcupid, g4m almost everything it took me days, weeks and months looking at those sites, I guess things weren't really for me.

Until one day, I saw this picture of a guy's left eye, and for that moment I can't help but just click at this picture's profile name, the profile was well made, very well done I must say, I was amazed by how catchy this person made his profile making me read it all over again, this guy was in the middle of a "cross road" he didn't know what his sexuality was, he was confused, and asking for help that someone like or was like him enlighten him what to do and or maybe how to deal with it. After I've read the profile twice or maybe even thrice I hesitated to click on the "message" tab; part of me wanted to say "hi", part of me wanted just to click the close button and move on, but I clicked the "message" tab and did something really stupid, I just stared at my computer monitor for a minute or two not knowing what to say; so i started composing a message, there was this three liners, four...but I ended up saying "hi! I think I can help you..."...minutes had passed still no respond, I even convinced myself that this guy already went offline, so i went offline too, but sending him a message again, this time i sent him my YM account ( im always on mobile)...later that evening he sent me a message saying, "hi, really? you think you can help me? can I ask for your number?", with no hesitations, I responded, the message contains nothing but my digits...(well, I was doing the grocery during that time).

I was really happy for he asked for my digits, we texted, we talked on the phone, we talked until 2 in the morning, we laughed at each others jokes, we even shared our play list to each other making a special folder on my podi (ipod) that contains his name.We text/call each other24/7. He's from the North I'm from the South.. I was happy. I was very happy...we call each other names too, he'd greet me "good morning!" and gets mad at me when I don't answer back, things like a COUPLE do; but hey! reality check! We're not...until one night, I asked myself "am I in love with him?"...I tried to convince myself that it was just infatuation, but the more I keep it to myself the more it intensifies. So i was left with no choice but to tell him the things that are inside me, I swallowed my pride and I told him "I think I'm falling in love with you" ...but he said nothing but, " Pls. don't say that...I'm going to sleep, Good night!"...

In the morning he was his usual self again, jolly and trying his hard just to make me laugh...but I can't hold my self from texting him this line;



me: i think you're not confused anymore...

him: huh? why'd you say that?

me: i told you what i felt for you and said nothing about it...

him: you just don't know...

me: don't know what?! tell me!

him: i'm still confused..

me: confused about what?!

him: you and me...



that was something I will never forget, all these time I was making him confused, I felt bad, really bad...I didn't returned his text messages, calls, e-mails even his voice messages...days had passed and I can't really forget him...so I sent him a message and immediately he responded, I gave him my reasons, he gave me his understanding...during valentines day this year our favorite band went to the country to have some mall tours, and he was going to see them, he wanted me to fly up north, he wanted me to watch the concert with him, but it was impossible...so he took the a friend (girl) with him, and I can't help myself but to be jealous..but I never told him I was...when the concert was over he called me up and said he had a blast...OH! THEY had a blast...and I told him about asking the girl out again for a date ( on a sarcastic tone)...but he know me too well I guess to know if I'm mad at him or not...so he tried to explain things and I accepted it...my favorite line was..." I sang along when they sang your favorite song, i did it for you"...it made tears fall from my eyes while I project the sweetest smile I even made for the past .......FOREVER!

Another week had passed and me being busy with school work, and things I have to do at home made me tiresome and a little stressed, but I never forget to send him text massages when I can...One Saturday morning, he was telling me things like "I'm really getting affected by the things you do to me" and I was really clueless about what, so I asked him...it turned out that he was falling in love with me...but he's trying not to...it's like "to be or not to be?: that is the question"...he wanted us to remain as friends. And so, I gave him friendship, the best way I can, the most loving way I know...

I admit, I was hurt not once but more than that...and until now the pain is still here, I know it'll heal and I know it'll love again..At least even just for than span of time, I was really happy...I was holding on tight to the happiness that he gives me, because I wasn't sure he'll be there to catch me...

Let us not deprive ourselves to be happy, remember 1:5 .