To be or not to be in love; that is the question...

Things in my life isn't really that great, let's admit it; life is unfair, everything seems to be temporary, everything seems to be too good to be true, everything seems to be nothing but an illusion. In life I've learned that things should be done with your 101% or even more than that, I also learned that hurt and happiness comes in our lives hand in hand, that they can even be represented in a ratio 1:5 ; happiness would be 1 and hurt could be 5 (sometimes it could be less sometimes not). I also came to a point where I won't let my chance to be happy pass me by just because I was afraid of getting hurt, i know it sounds a little cheesy but, yah, i was holding that in my mind, grabbing everything that'll make me happy because eventually I know I'll get hurt.


I did almost everything; go to the bars almost every night,drinking beer, doing body shots, smoking cigarettes, dancing, flirting with men and women, doing soul kisses(french kiss) in public weather if it's with a girl or with a guy (but luckily i never tried drugs), coming home drunk and smells like vomit is all over me,but then again after I wake up in the morning I end up having nothing but memories of the night before, so I went online to find things that'll make me happy, online shopping, chatting on yahoo,msn, gmail; I also tried expanding my network groups like friendster, facebook, myspace, multiply, tagged, hi-5; and to my most desperate sense I tried dating sites, I looked up at chemistry, okcupid, g4m almost everything it took me days, weeks and months looking at those sites, I guess things weren't really for me.

Until one day, I saw this picture of a guy's left eye, and for that moment I can't help but just click at this picture's profile name, the profile was well made, very well done I must say, I was amazed by how catchy this person made his profile making me read it all over again, this guy was in the middle of a "cross road" he didn't know what his sexuality was, he was confused, and asking for help that someone like or was like him enlighten him what to do and or maybe how to deal with it. After I've read the profile twice or maybe even thrice I hesitated to click on the "message" tab; part of me wanted to say "hi", part of me wanted just to click the close button and move on, but I clicked the "message" tab and did something really stupid, I just stared at my computer monitor for a minute or two not knowing what to say; so i started composing a message, there was this three liners, four...but I ended up saying "hi! I think I can help you..."...minutes had passed still no respond, I even convinced myself that this guy already went offline, so i went offline too, but sending him a message again, this time i sent him my YM account ( im always on mobile)...later that evening he sent me a message saying, "hi, really? you think you can help me? can I ask for your number?", with no hesitations, I responded, the message contains nothing but my digits...(well, I was doing the grocery during that time).

I was really happy for he asked for my digits, we texted, we talked on the phone, we talked until 2 in the morning, we laughed at each others jokes, we even shared our play list to each other making a special folder on my podi (ipod) that contains his name.We text/call each other24/7. He's from the North I'm from the South.. I was happy. I was very happy...we call each other names too, he'd greet me "good morning!" and gets mad at me when I don't answer back, things like a COUPLE do; but hey! reality check! We're not...until one night, I asked myself "am I in love with him?"...I tried to convince myself that it was just infatuation, but the more I keep it to myself the more it intensifies. So i was left with no choice but to tell him the things that are inside me, I swallowed my pride and I told him "I think I'm falling in love with you" ...but he said nothing but, " Pls. don't say that...I'm going to sleep, Good night!"...

In the morning he was his usual self again, jolly and trying his hard just to make me laugh...but I can't hold my self from texting him this line;



me: i think you're not confused anymore...

him: huh? why'd you say that?

me: i told you what i felt for you and said nothing about it...

him: you just don't know...

me: don't know what?! tell me!

him: i'm still confused..

me: confused about what?!

him: you and me...



that was something I will never forget, all these time I was making him confused, I felt bad, really bad...I didn't returned his text messages, calls, e-mails even his voice messages...days had passed and I can't really forget him...so I sent him a message and immediately he responded, I gave him my reasons, he gave me his understanding...during valentines day this year our favorite band went to the country to have some mall tours, and he was going to see them, he wanted me to fly up north, he wanted me to watch the concert with him, but it was impossible...so he took the a friend (girl) with him, and I can't help myself but to be jealous..but I never told him I was...when the concert was over he called me up and said he had a blast...OH! THEY had a blast...and I told him about asking the girl out again for a date ( on a sarcastic tone)...but he know me too well I guess to know if I'm mad at him or not...so he tried to explain things and I accepted it...my favorite line was..." I sang along when they sang your favorite song, i did it for you"...it made tears fall from my eyes while I project the sweetest smile I even made for the past .......FOREVER!

Another week had passed and me being busy with school work, and things I have to do at home made me tiresome and a little stressed, but I never forget to send him text massages when I can...One Saturday morning, he was telling me things like "I'm really getting affected by the things you do to me" and I was really clueless about what, so I asked him...it turned out that he was falling in love with me...but he's trying not to...it's like "to be or not to be?: that is the question"...he wanted us to remain as friends. And so, I gave him friendship, the best way I can, the most loving way I know...

I admit, I was hurt not once but more than that...and until now the pain is still here, I know it'll heal and I know it'll love again..At least even just for than span of time, I was really happy...I was holding on tight to the happiness that he gives me, because I wasn't sure he'll be there to catch me...

Let us not deprive ourselves to be happy, remember 1:5 .