James (Part 2)

So there was I, after a few weeks of just being myself and going about my day - everyday. We still exchange text messages and ask how each other is doing - the usual friends chat.

One weekend while we were talking he then sent me a test messages about leaving, parting and how he is so happy to have given the chance to know someone like me or the receiver of the message. I then asked him if something was wrong and then he started to break the news.

"I'm leaving..." and then I started to laugh at him taking it as it was just a joke. Then there was a silence, without second thought I asked him " seriously?" and he said ''Yes" . From that moment, I don't know what was the right thing to feel; should I feel bad about him leaving the country or should I be happy for his dreams are finally coming true? But more importantly, I asked myself, "Why am I feeling this way towards the news?". I thought the complicated relationship that we have is the reason for me to be complicated of the feeling that I should be or should not be feeling when he broke that news.  Up to now, I still don't know.

I took a long deep breath, and started saying things like, I will be missing you, I am happy that your dreams are finally coming true and I wish you all the luck the world has to offer. Really I was happy - or was I just convincing myself?

For the past 4 years now, we were floating, we were friends and in some ways we were more than that. I'd like to think that we were happy, I'd like to think that we showed love to each other in a subtle way.

I remember him giving me a wish for my birthday in front of my friends, he wished that I have a happy life and find someone that deserves my love and attention. He was looking me straight in the eyes and I just can't help but smile and think of his wish. I wanted to tell everyone that all I wished was, him to be there and share that special day with me and luckily that wish was granted. I was just happy.

Going back, after a week of breaking the news and a week of convincing myself that I was going to be okay. He asked me out for dinner just the two of us. But I declined, I even made a bargain, I asked him if I could come with a friend and I got an awkward "yes" from him. So that dinner came, I was sitting in between (James, Me and our friend). My friend came in late, so I really have to do a conversation with him, he was really silent and so was I - I felt tension. I don't know. Then finally my friend came and the air started to feel better. We ordered and my friend initiated the conversation, I was just there listening, nodding, smiling I just wanted to see him and preserve that image for myself at least I have something to remember him.

While we were having dinner, he then moved his knee closer to mine, so, how do you call that? Knee-to-knee? Whatever! Then he keeps on moving my knee using his knee so hard that it made me so uncomfortable.  I can still remember, when he talks to me, I can't keep eye contact. (Talk about that Awkward moment).

Good thing that dinner turned out to be normal, I think it wouldn't be normal and there would be tears gushing from my eyes if my friend wasn't there to change every topic that was in my head.

After the dinner, he asked if he could drive me home it almost took me a minute or two to respond, I mean, that's not me. When you ask me something, I give you an answer then and there but that moment, I was in such big trouble. My friend uses a motorcycle and I hate that, so I have no other choice but to go with James. We got in the car, and he started singing "If we had an exchange of hearts, then you'll know how I fell apart..." I don't know why he started to sing that song, but I felt it.

As soon as we were in my house, I just said something like "thank you! Take care!", maybe because at the back of my mind, I wanted to think that he'll still be around,  that I will see him whenever I want to see him but no.

That was the last encounter, he's leaving on the 10th of this month (Oct. 10, 2012). And I still did not say anything about how I felt, of how I feel about the idea of him leaving. *Sighs*

If you allow me, could I just write what I want to say in here?

" James, first of all. I still remember the day that we first met the very day that I fell in love, the very day that I have laughed so hard on a first date, the very day that someone really treated me so well I started to feel like a royalty. Thank you! I actually don't know where to start, I'm sorry... Yes, I am sorry for waiting this long to be completely honest with you, sorry for loving you so much I can't afford to lose you, sorry, sorry, sorry. I know this is not goodbye, and I know maybe, if the world would be in my favor, I'd still get the chance to see you. I love you, I love you and It only get's stronger. I am happy, because this is your dream and I admit, I think I am not a part of it but I still thank you, for the time, for introducing LOVE and making it sit the couch, making it crack silly jokes, for the sweet nothings... I love you."

I am sorry, I can't find a better way to end it but with the feeling that I feel for him.

JAMES

It's been a long time since I have wrote something in here, and I now don't know where to start. There are so many things entering my mind now.

My next posts are about the people that makes me really think, ponder, torture (mind fuck) my mind and shall I say also my heart.

I am now writing about James, let me introduce you to him. Wait, I honestly know less about him, I don't even know his last name. All I know is I really like him and we have shared so many things to each other. Okay, I'll introduce him.

He is a very good looking guy, he works for an international company (Honda), we have met each other 4 years ago, we started to talk through the phone, and then spend time talking to each other until dawn, he is a sweet person very jolly, he likes a good laugh and he has a good singing voice. He understands, supports and cares for me. He even sometimes wakes me up with a phone call so I won't come in to school late.

There were so many things that happened in that year, he even asked me for a date, and that was the first date that I ever had without even spending a penny. Even if that was the first time I have seen him, it felt like we connected and there was no awkward moment that normally happens on a first date.

I loved it.

Then things started to eat me up, I was assuming that James and I were together without even determining the relationship.  I know, my bad.

He then started to ignore me as I become really clingy or possessive, even irrational. I hated myself for being such, I know being young and in love is not an excuse.

Then after a year or so, he sent me text message and I was really shocked because I wasn't expecting a message from him, after how many months. We then started to catch up on each other. And the feeling just went gushing like a river. I remembered everything that I felt since we met, after the date, after the phone calls.

This time is better and I enjoyed it even more, I think I am mature enough to take whatever pain it may cause me.

I then started to introduce him to two of my greatest friends, and in an instant they all clicked and they liked him, they even told me that he is one of a kind because they got along with each other on the first meeting. Yeah, that's true JAMES is really a good person, good company and a good friend - but is that all we're ever gonna be?

......To be continued

another BROKEN note...

In the past few months, xoxo and hearts all over are the only things I know, I also love drawing hearts on that particular someone's name and mine, not a day passes by without me day-dreaming about me and that someone going out driving; call me silly but it's true those were the things that I used to do when someone used to tell me "I love you".

I always say that I'm a stargazer, still waiting for my shooting star to land on my palm and finally grant me my wish, grant me the wish that I've been longing for for someone who'll accept what I am and ignores what I'm not, someone who'll see perfection behind my imperfections, someone who will make me feel loved, special and make me feel my worth.

Then there was this someone, who brought me into the light, showed me what it feels like to be in love, to be loved and to love back. things that I think I never felt before, and it felt really good. It was like a dream turned into reality.

someone: you stole my heart...

me: don't worry I'll take care of it...

someone: did I stole your heart too?

me: no...

someone: ???

me: I gave it to you...

Until one day, I found out that you were having a relationship with someone else, at first I denied it to myself, but slowly and slowly all my dreams turned into nightmare, all that I am; my soul, my love, my heart is now...BROKEN.

CAUTION: Under Repair

I had my own fair share of Once upon a time...

I had my own soundtrack...

I had my slow motion stairway entrance...

I had my own fairytale love story...

Well, my friend Webster defines the word “had” as a state of the past, yes, ladies and gentle men that was BEFORE...today as I woke up and took a look of my reflection in the mirror, I saw someone who once had the most beautiful morning in his lifetime, too bad it has to come to an end, and take note it wasn’t a happy ending.

This post has something to do with my last one. Have you ever felt that feeling where you wake up and talk to yourself in the mirror and say “good morning!”? That certain feeling where you end up smiling and thinking about the person you’ve been drawing hearts all over? ...yeah! I know you know that.

Once in my life I think I found the right one, once in my life I think I made the right choice, once in my life I know that I’ve fallen in love, and once in my life I was wrong about it all.

I admit, the moment I faced my computer and decided to make a post for today, I didn’t know what to right about, how to make you guys feel that I’m not haunted by the past, how to make a happy mask out of the pieces of hurts that are on the floor... how to bring back my pieces and start building my old self again, shinny and new.

I’m not afraid to fall again, and get hurt, because like what I said it’s 1:5; it’s just that this time it causes so much hurt that I have to need the help of someone or something to make me stand up again. Today, it's another day for me to deal with the memories that keeps on inflowing my mind, another day for me to keep on trying to put back all the bust pieces that the past has made out of me.

There are certain things that I deny to myself and also there are certain things that make me blame myself for the hurt that I feel right now. I feel really sad and tired of this feeling that keeps on haunting me these past months. I’m not fully recovered from the hurt, I’m not fixed yet but I know I’m getting there.

...I’m under repair